Its whats inside that counts...ask Pamela Mami

Dear Children

Im proud of you. Often we (the ones who need to use godrej black dye religiously) are chided for being too self-centred and adamant about our generation being better than the subsequent ones..

I concede defeat. Today's yuppies (my grandson Raja taught me that word...thats the maximum he's spoken this week at home) have certainly won my heart with their sense of values.

Aaaa ha! what values, what values..

It all started when Raja was spending all day in front of the combuter. His appa (whom he calls pops) hid behind the curtains one evening to see what he was upto and announced solemnly in between swallowing mounds of rice that night that his boy was into collecting pictures of uh umm...indecent ladies..

I immediately flared up and corrected Srini that in our culture it was wrong to call ladies indecent.

"Parvati, Saraswati, Lakshmi...they are all ladies! They give birth and they take care of the world, dont you dare insult the feminine species, " I told my son with great feeling.

Srini gave me a pained look and said " Amma you dont know what im talking about..The ladies Raja was...er....seeing...were not Indian and certainly not respectable.."

"No lady can be irrespectable Srini, " I cut in.

"Amma! this is between Raja and me. Now, Raja what was Pamela Anderson doing on your screen??!," demanded Srini.

"What???????????????" I shrieked!!

"Did you just say Pamela Anderson??" I continued shrieking

"Yes Amma...I didnt realise you know her...Now be calm..We will talk it out with Raja, "assured Srini.

"How can I be calm??! I am a big fan of that lady and wish there were more like her in India, especially in Tamilnad..silly females cant think of a world beyond silk saris and gold jewellery.." I said.

For a moment no one moved. Srini, Raja and his mom Revathi looked at me shell-shocked. "Amma...are you alright"? Srini asked in a voice that wasnt so concerned when I was in bed for ten days after catching a nasty flu.

"Look Srini, if you dont know who Pamela Anderson is then dont fight unnecessarily with your son, " I said.

"Amma!! I THINK i know! infact im sure i know who Ms Anderson is very well," said Srini with his eyes averting mine.

Sigh. Believe me, its not easy telling your 48 year old son that he doesnt know anything but I have always been a tough parent.

"It all started five years back. Pamela (nice sounding Indian name she has) was out of work. One day she saw that women in that white country of hers were wearing the skin of animals during winter. Immediately she joined an organisation called PETA where she said that its better not to wear any clothes rather than wearing the skin of an animal..." I started.

"Did you know the brave lady withered all criticism to stand up for what she believed in?? And that too in their country where it is very cold. They even have snow, " I informed my audience.

"Amma! Why cant she be a supporter with clothes??" asked Srini.

I shook my head. "Thousands of years ago, when the Kauravas tried to pull Draupadi's sari, Lord Krishna saved her and proved that when you have values, nothing else matters. Just because you do not have clothes in your body doesnt mean you dont have values inside..Gandhiji wore a dhoti all his life..Our rishis almost never wore clothes...

You people judge someone by their clothes and not because of what they are inside..and why do we see Pamela's pictures everywhere? Because inspite of being a foreigner, she is following the footsteps of Lord Krishna in living for a cause, "I said..

"Paati, just like Draupadi, Pamela also has five husbands!, " chipped in my grandson flushed with excitement for having remembered this chapter of Indian mythology.

"See this Srini? Your boy is learning values of Mahabharatha. Instead of rewarding him, you are making him miserable, " I scolded Srini.

Srini flopped down on the sofa. His concerned wife immediately ran in to get him a glass of water.

"I dont know what to say..." said Srini close to a heart-attack.

"How about letting me join that new reality programme-"Splitsville" on MTV, dad???, " asked Raja eagerly.

Seeing my puzzled look, Raja explained. "Its a new reality show where two dudes get to mess around and select two chicks of their choice after having a whaccka time with them.."

Seeing my suspicious eyebrow lifting and his dad getting up to land him a much-deserved slap, Raja said "PAATI!! It seems you didnt understand...Its a new mythological show. Remember how Ram and Lakshman were asked to break bows to win over their queens? Its the same thing backwards...The girls will be asked to perform tasks to win over two very respectable boys...in this case me and some other jackass. In fact the idea has been inspired by Lord Krishna and the Gopis "said Raja sweetly.

As Revathi tried to bring her husband back to consciousness, I went over and hugged Raja. I made a mental note to watch Splitsville...Its high time I stopped watching AXN secretly ( I do that only to keep away my grandchildren) and move to programmes like Splitsville catering to people of my age..

Lou

Iyer Mami

The religion of CAKE!

Dear Children

This is too much. My young (cute looking) doctor examined me yesterday and told me i should lay off sweets because of high diabetes. But the old romantic that i am, his honey-flowing way of speaking made me crave for sweets even more.....yes... yes...I know what you are thinking....at this age that too...

They just dont make laddoos the way they used to...sigh...

And so I went to the sweet shop..."Darya sweet shop"...and got blinded for a second..My jumbo specs worked overtime to count the number of flies hovering over the faint looking jalebis, the stale barfis and the doubtful looking rassogulas...unkempt men with a mile of dirt stuffed under their fingernails greeted me with yellow teeth....

I couldnt stop smiling :-)

(thank you my grandson Raja for teaching me how to do this smile icon..wish you would do that more often in real life)..

I was smiling because the best sweets are always mixed with the maker's sweat. No hygenic factory-made food for me please...so clinically packed with a seal and all...what if a cockroach got mixed into those factory-made packets??? alteast i know what my sweet is made of at the end of the day...

Anyway, i had just tasted one green barfi, when my eyes fell on the small bakery items counter. Cake, Cake everywhere....my mind began to spin...my low bp (i swear thats the only other ailment i have) enticed me to ask the shopkeeper to present some of these delicious looking pasties..

"Madam, what is your last name, " said the man at the counter.

I thought i heard him wrong and said, "no no..i want to see those bakery products".

"Thats what madam..what is your last name???", he insisted.

"Ayyo...waat is this ? let me buy something then you can bill me young man, " i said.

"No madam, i want to know your last name so that i can give you your kind of cake, " he said.

"I hate double-meaning offers ok? Dont talk fast with me. Just hand me that nice creamy cake over there, " flared my Rudolf red nose.

"Sure madam, seeing your bindi, i did not think you wanted Salim cakes," he remarked.

"Waat???", i croaked.

"Salim cakes madam, for that community which likes its cakes with lots of eggs, plenty of cream and little crust, " he offered.

I flopped down on a stool nearby and said "Maybe i need a lesson in cakes"

"Ha ha ha ha, " he said. "Dont worry madam, let me explain. Ladiez like you, that is sari-wearing, bindi-putting usually prefer Ram cakes or Jain cakes. Ram cakes come with less of egg and more of brown crust baked to perfection. Jain cakes, ofcourse are eggless and made with maida...right?,".

"Hmmm...., " my head nodded horizontally with disbelief.

"Ofcourse, we are bessst shop so we also stock on Peter cakes. All with rum, plum, choccclate, cherry and all nice nice drink on pudding, " he winked.

Seeing my blank face, he continued, "Maybe you will need Ram or Jain cakes to be packed?," he asked with a raised eyebow in a sign that the cake class was over.

"er...someone is waiting for me...i will return soon, " i stumbled near the door..

"Aunty!!! If that someone needs a biggg special order for Diwali, Id or Christmas, dont hestitate to give our number and name-Darrya sweet shop!," he shouted.

I dont know what jolted me more....his calling me "Aunty" or me hearing the name of the shop as "Diarrhoea sweat shop...."

Sigh...

Lou

Iyer Mami

K k k k Kaan...!

Dear Children

Today i am very angry...my neighbour's curly haired 12 year old daughter threw a tantrum about going to see some Shahrukh Kaan film instead of Rajnkanth's!!! whatever has happened to sensible movie-going audiences?? I can't believe it children...i still cant...

What do people see in that Kaan? Half the time he behaves like Shilpa Shetty's running nose in big brother...Need the cash and got no brakes..!

i am telling you..if i had it my way, i would rename him Shahrukh Corn..atleast then he would be useful swimming in one of those tasteless readymade soups my daughter in law pushes down my throat in the name of healthy food to avoid cooking in the night..

What a load of rubbish his films turn out to be..Main Bhi Goo na, Kuchu Kuchu Mota hai, Suck The India??? If i was the Prime Minister of India like Sonia Gandi (why do the gujjus keep giggling when i take her name??), the first thing i would do is ban this nuisance Kaan from all public functions..Do you know why? because my innocent children, he's actually Shahrukh Con!

My neighbour's son tells me he is going to buy a cricket team...ayyo sami! isnt that unfair? he has a pony tail so shouldnt he be buying horses? As a punter, he would be more like family to match fixing cricket officials....As far as cricket is concerned, the only connection he has to the game is those young maidens he brings to the dressing room who come with the hope of catching the eye( rather wallet) of the next budding cricketer in town...that is all ok..(how do you think i trapped ramasaami and gopalaraja the same day?!!) but this time i was shocked when i heard that Kaan actually brought some D-company for Dhoni! Im telling you,
if Dhoni gets mixed up in D-company, there will be no more shanti in his life...let alone an Om as an afterthought....

Anyway i tried explaining to my neighbour's curly daughter that Rajnikanth is God and Shahrukh is the same thing backwards but she insists on watching him wag his tail on the big screen...sigh...i give up but not before predicting he'll be down with rabies soon...And the day he does, you will see your old Iyer mami flex her six-pack sakthi masala powders saying, "Shahrukh Kaun???"!

Lou

Iyer Mami

A chappel a day keeps cricket away

Dear Children

What is an old Iyer mami decked in a nine yard sari and one eye forever stuck on Sun TV's slapstick comedies doing in the world of blogging you might ask...Don’t ask.I am telling you no, just listen...

"CHAPPELL BOOTED OUT OF INDIAN CRICKET” screamed the day’s top story in the newspaper.

I thought I needed new glasses…and so I read it again…nope I didn’t need new glasses..but I think the editor of the newspaper does…What is so special about this news that every channel i change by mistake (usually i only watch Sun Tv and AXN late at night so that my grand children wont have the guts to join me) is going ga-ga over and why is every restless young lad around talking about it instead of oogling at the fair skinned north indian girls in our building?I hear the Indian cricket team has fallen out of favour with the humble Chappell..big deal...did you know my Krishnamoorthy (god bless his stupid soul) dogged (and not bitched..i always teach my grand children to be gender sensitive) right in the early 70s that Chappell is no good...Krishnamoorthy should know..he played around..a little football, a little cricket...and more..thats why HE got booted...anyways..coming back to the point, Sourav says he had issues with chappell, Sachin says he was hurt because of chappell, Kumble says chappell wasnt kind to the seniors...well..my dear children in starched white pants and sunscreen on already tanned brown skins..what do you expect from chappell?

Chappell is crude, rough and cheap...but thats how our generation has grown up...today's children...tsch tsch...so adamant...will eat dosais only if it has a chop stick sounding name and will pay 500 rupees at a multiplex for the "movie experience"..what experience?? will Hrithik Roshan stop making his pelvic thrusts if you choose to sit for a morning show in the nearby theatre for 40 bucks?My point is just as we white hairs dyed in godrej black have managed to conquer our fears (read computers, Ipod and you pod and god knows who pods..) you too should be able to adapt to the times..if that means you'll get sore feet after dumping chappell then so be it.

Imagine yourself in the cricketers' shoes....ofcourse it will be uncomfortable!First of all they have make up caked on their faces to look good on screen, secondly, their girlfriends are all b-grade wannabes who choose their next boyfriend in consultation with the selectors and now this...give the boys a break....Now that they have dumped chappell their life will be so much easier..they can actually concentrate on cricket for the first time in their lives...

They can wear the Reebok and Adidas for their on field exploits and leave the chappell for their early morning exploits in the bathroom..And if they produce on the field what they produce in the bathroom...we can always beat them pulp with the same chappell...i am right no?

Lou

Iyer Mami

(If you think im too blunt..you better not make sambhar and ask my "honest" opinion on it)